Mourning life stages

How do you appreciate the here and now without grieving it prematurely? How do you say goodbye to life as you know it in exchange for a future that feels rocky and unsure?

I found myself asking these questions back in May while attending a college event I had been looking forward to for ages. While all of my friends celebrated and took shots on one side of the bar, my friend Alex and I sat away from everyone else with other things on our minds.

I was never one to get sentimental about college coming to a close. It wasn’t that my college experience was lackluster or negative. I’ve just always been someone who dreams of all the opportunities the future might hold. 

And boy was post-grad life looking promising. I spent the summer before my senior year living in my dream city and working an internship I loved every second of. By the end of that final summer, I cried every time I thought about having to go back to school. I wanted nothing more than to drop out of college and get on with life.

But oddly enough, the last few months of school changed everything.

It was almost as though my college experience was waiting until the very last second to get good. I made the quintessential college friendships that everyone raves about. The relationships I already had became all the more meaningful. I was challenged in ways I never thought imaginable. I made memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

The type of memories that made me question how I could possibly leave everything I loved behind.

So there I was, watching all of my friends from across the bar with a weird feeling I couldn’t identify sitting at the bottom of my stomach.

“What’s wrong with me?” I remember asking Alex while I choked back tears. “Everyone here is so happy to be celebrating together, but all I can think about is how heartbroken I’m going to be when all of this is over.”

Her response?

“It’s because you’re grieving this stage of life,” she told me with a sad smile.

And wow did those words rock my world.

At that moment I realized that the only way I was going to get through this phase of goodbyes was to accept all of my feelings as a part of the mourning process. Although the Five Stages of Grief model isn’t necessarily based in fact, many of the emotions I was coping with matched its different phases. On some occasions, I felt angry about all the days I didn’t allow myself to enjoy the once-in-a-lifetime moments. At other times, I had been beside myself over the lifelong friends I’ll probably see only a few more times. 

Another reason why I struggled so much towards the end of college was because I knew I would have to relinquish control to the unknown. The hardest part about being someone who plans for everything is when your map falls apart. And the future that I had been longing for? That wasn’t coming to fruition any time soon. My life felt like a bumpy road with no end in sight.

Obviously, these thoughts and experiences are not unique. You could argue that pretty much everyone feels this way as they’re forced to jump from one life stage to another. But it’s one of those things that you’ll never fully understand until it's your turn.

After a while, the pity party got tiresome, and who would I be if I didn’t use this experience as an opportunity for growth?

Through this mess of emotions, I’ve learned that you’ll always want more if you can’t appreciate what you have now. How good will the future be if you can’t find the beauty in today? 

Finding that beauty has looked like soaking up extra time with my parents. Going on walks in the neighborhood I’ve lived my whole life in. Texting friends I haven’t caught up with in a while. Enjoying the simplicity in my day-to-day life. Though my current situation isn’t exactly what I had anticipated, I’m taking this opportunity to slow down, relax, and say a few more goodbyes. Who knows if I’ll ever experience something like this summer again?

I’ve also learned a lot about friendship. I’ve realized that some friendships teach you lessons about life, while others are meant to be lifelong. A friendship may only exist in certain phases of life and that’s okay. That doesn’t make it any less valuable. But the truest, deepest friendships are the ones that will thrive for years to come.

Now that I’ve reached the acceptance stage in this mourning period, I’ve realized that I’ve grown a lot. I know that I will never be the same person I was just a few months ago. I’ve come to value different things and see the world through a newer, more introspective lens. 

The truth of it all is that it never gets easier to say goodbye. I know that I will never get the chance to turn back the clock and relive just a day in my college experience.

But I’m okay with that. I’m learning to be okay with that. And I’m looking forward to the future while cherishing what I have now.